This weekend I had fall break. We got Thursday and friday off, and my parents wanted me to come home because they’re worried about me. I spent the whole time sleeping, while my little brother and sister were in school, and then I distracted them from homework until they went to bed. It was okay. I didn’t get to go skateboarding because I had no energy.
On friday afternoon, we all flew back to nashville, and drove to Sewanee to visit my older brother, Henry. It was parent’s weekend at sewanee and I got to meet Henry’s girlfriend of two years. We snuck away from a party my parents wanted us to go to and smoked a couple cigarettes. She’s really great.
After that, My little brother Phil and I wanted to see henry’s suite (Sewanee people live on campus all four years). Henry had trouble finding his way out of the neighborhood, and had to back up on to the grass when we reached the “enter only” gate. He scraped up the bottom of his girlfriend’s little BMW. He was so upset about it. Blanche kept telling him, “It’s material, baby. Don’t worry about it.” and she would touch his face while he was trying to drive. “Say something happy, darling. For me, please just tell me something happy,” She would say.
It killed me.
This morning, I drove my parents to the airport at like 6 am, and took a cab back to school. I went back to sleep in my dorm room. I didn’t even get out of bed all day. I watched netflix for 8 hours, I’d say. I have a lot of homework this week, but I feel so burnt out. I really want to give up.
I’m doing so damn well in school, but it’s hard. And I’m so tired.
I sort of decided I’m going to try and fly solo for a while. I just think it would be really great to not have one single friend. Like a farmer or a fisherman in Iceland. That’s what I want.
My friends here are okay. It’s just me. I cannot act like myself when I’m around anyone, and I’ve just gotten so tired of it. No one here actually knows me, and that’s my fault. but it makes me think it wouldn’t be so bad to just stay in my room for a couple weeks and figure out some stuff.
I’m sorry this went on so long. I sort of decided I need to start being myself on tumblr. I don’t really even have any followers that would read something like this, but the point is, I can’t keep trying to cultivate some image for myself on a website no one in real life even knows I use.
Please forgive me for subjecting you all to my wishy-washy character.
You know that feeling you used to get when you were like 14, when you’re texting someone, or talking on the phone, and you know it’s too late, and you should probably say goodbye, but you just don’t want to say goodbye? You don’t want the conversation to end even though you know you’re going to be tired or feel like hell tomorrow?
I had dinner with you-know-who tonight and we talked over dinner and dessert and walked home, but when we got home, I just wanted to keep talking to her. And we just walked around talking until we found some steps under a streetlight to sit on. And it was way too cold. And I forgot my coat. We talked all night and my hands went numb.
I haven’t felt that in so long.